


i dont wanna fall away

by showingoffourteeth



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Gay, M/M, Mentions of Lori, SO GAY, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, but dont really im lazy, but like a little nothing too serious, carl and ron need jesus, dont judge me, enid is like my fav, i fucking need a life, i love all these charcters, ill get it soon, im not even on the one when they find jesus, im not that horrible, just ron though, me making ron be sad, me ruining these characters, me writing ron into every episode until this show ends, sad emo times, self hate, tara is g8 as well, week off of school expect like 20 chqpters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-03 05:06:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6597895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/showingoffourteeth/pseuds/showingoffourteeth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ron's lowkey suicidal, Carl thinks he's a monster. In conclusion, I love making my characters suffer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1: carl eye gone

Ron has never seen this many walkers all in one spot. There’s so many all in the place he’s called home since the beginning. His brother, his mom, Rick, Michonne, Carl, and him were walking through the herd with blood-stained sheets on. He’s holding hands with Carl, and isn’t as nauseating as Ron had thought it was going to be.

Then, suddenly the line stopped. Ron watched as Sam raised a gun and held it shakingly at a walker standing nearby Carl. As everyone in the small group told Sam to put it down, a walker came forward and bit into where his shoulder and neck met. Another bit the side of his face. As Sam’s body fell to the floor, he had accidentally fired the gun in his hand. Ron moved as quickly as he could to pull his gun out. Just as he went to shoot the walkers going to bite into his screaming mother, they did just that.

Ron didn’t know what to do with himself, so he just supported Carl as he fell down because he didn’t want anybody else to die. Rick picked Carl up after detaching Jessie’s lifeless hand from Carl’s. Michonne grabbed Ron’s hand and pulled him behind her as used her other hand to kill the walkers attempting to kill the others.

They passed by dozens of mangled faces that were either dry and flakey, or dripping in blood. He held so much hatred inside of himself towards these creatures. They ripped his brother apart with no remorse. They bit into his mother as she screamed and cried over just witnessing Sam’s death. He hadn't even had a chance to say goodbye.

He thought of his dad now, how Rick killed him and how he’s glad he did. Otherwise he’d have to live alone with him. His whole family is now dead, and he thinks he should be as well. But, living in a world where the only family he has is his dad is worse than being all alone.

Michonne had managed to get all the boys inside the infirmary. Ron slowly sat himself on the floor of the infirmary in the corner, he simply watched as everyone rushed around the room. Michonne brought herself to stand in front of Ron, she gently took Ron’s sheet of walker blood off of him, then ruffled his hair, and left to go check on Carl. As much as he wanted to check on Carl himself, he couldn’t move. He couldn't bring himself to.

He looked over at Carl though, he was lying on the table with his whole left eye missing because of Sam. Denise was frantically dabbing at his wound, words left her mouth but Ron couldn’t make them out. All he could think about is the way Sam and his mom screamed and the way the blood seemed to endlessly pour out of the wounds the walkers had given them.

Rick barged out of the infirmary with his weapon wielded. Michonne asked about Carl’s well-being before kissing the unconscious boy’s forehead and leaving with a group of people. As much as Ron wanted to help kill walkers with his people, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He was just too weak.

He sat there for what seemed like hours until his eyes drifted shut.

Sound awoke him. Shouting. His breath started coming out fast. He snapped his eyes open, ready to face his shouting father. His sight surprised him, his father wasn’t yelling at him, he wasn’t ready to hit him. No, it was just his imagination. He looked around to find his mother, then he remembered yesterday’s events and he started crying. A part of him hoped he’d wake up and it’d go back to normal or that he wouldn’t wake up at all.

“Ron?” A voice whispered heavy with sleep, along with the shifting of a bed. Ron looked over towards the direction of the voice and saw Carl. He was sitting up in his bed, his bandage was bleeding through a. 

Ron sat up in the chair beside Carl’s bed that somebody had placed him in and wiped at his eyes, trying to hide the fact he was crying. “What do you want?”

“You were crying.” Carl stated. “Did you have a nightmare?”

“No, I just hated having to wake up and see you.” Ron said, not convincing Carl at all.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Carl asked with a tone of understanding.

“You referring to my family dying as ‘it’ just proves you can’t even talk about ‘it’.”

“Okay, I’m sorry. Look, I just understand how hard it was for me to get over my mom dying, I mean I still haven’t. I just thought you’d be the same way, but I guess not. I just don’t get how you can be fine.” Carl finished. Ron thought over the younger boy’s words, he had forgotten that Carl’s mom had died too.

“I’m not fine.” Ron said, his voice cracking. Carl turned around and looked at Ron, actually looked at him. Carl saw the pain in his eyes, the hurt. Ron just didn’t normally show it, but he was right now and Carl thought it was beautiful.

Carl sat up on his bed next to Ron and gingerly grabbed his hand across the gap, as if he was afraid Ron wouldn’t like it. But, Ron was more than okay with it.

“Someone is going to tell you to get used to this. That feeling of being scared and sad. They’re going to say it’ll be better when you learn to ignore it. Don’t listen to them. Hold onto it, remember it...Don’t let yourself forget.” He said, not letting his voice falter. “It’s too easy to lose.”

“Thanks.” Ron said. Then, he did something so unlike himself. He moved to sit on Carl’s bed and laid his head upon Carl’s shoulder. Then Carl started rubbing his back and he melted into the younger boy.

“I’m sorry about before, you know when I tried to kill you. I was...I don’t know. I won’t do it again.” He said, turning his head to look up at Carl.

“It’s okay.” Carl said, only to earn a disbelieving look from the older boy. “Really. It’s okay, I get it, I’d lash out to if I was in your situation. I’d be so angry and pissed off, I might have actually killed you.”

Then, just they sat there holding hands, shoulders and thighs pressed against each others until Carl fell asleep.

He’s not sure why but when Carl is sitting next to him, holding his hand and letting him rest his head upon his shoulder, his whole body basically pressed against Carl’s, Ron thinks certain things, gay things that his dad would definitely have hit him for. Things like kissing his stupid face and hugging him, and laughing with him, and making out with him, and making Carl moan his name.

Ron abruptly stood up, and left the infirmary. There’s no way Carl actually likes him back, so why should he press himself up against him while he’s sleeping. He shouldn't be holding his hand when he obviously like girls. Girls like Enid. Not a boy, especially a boy like Ron.

There’s no way Carl Grimes likes Ron Anderson, no way.


	2. chapter 2: we've got problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sad chapter, like always, i could get sadder tho, might next chap, get ready

Carl woke up with the sun shining in his eyes. He slowly sat himself up from the most uncomfortable position he’s ever slept in. He had fallen asleep on Ron, surely. He must’ve left, leaving Carl’s head laying flat on the bed instead of a pillow. He cracked his neck, then stood up off the bed and headed to the bathroom.

Carl took the carefully wrapped bandage off his face and looked at the the mangled part of his face. He looked scary, like he could be a walker. He dragged the pad of his thumb across his scabbed up wound, it had really hurt. He deserved more pain than this, though. He hadn’ t been able to save Ron’s mom. He hadn’t even been able to save his own mom.

“Carl?” Denise’s voice sounded from behind the closed door. “Are you in here?”

“Uh, yeah.” Carl said. He shamefully walked out of the bathroom, since dragging his thumb across his eye roughly caused a few scabs to peel and start bleeding. 

“I’m sorry. I just wanted to see it.” Carl said with a shy smile.

“Don’t apologize. Just let me clean you up and rewrap it, then we can get your dad.” Denise said. 

Carl stood in front of her as she dabbed a towel covered in anesthetic. It stung a bit, but Carl’s been through much worse.

“Ron’s waiting outside. When I came around he asked me to tell him when you woke up. Do you want to see him when the others come in or do you want me to let him in while I get them?” Denise asked as she neatly wrapped up his eye.

“You can let him in now.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back.” She said, quickly rushing out of the room. The second the door opened, Ron rushed in.

Carl smiled at him and almost opened his arms to hug him, but he had left him last night, maybe he didn’t like the hand holding.

“How do you feel?” Ron asked, a frown evident on his face. Carl was confused as to why he looked concerned, but then he felt the blood dripping down his cheek.

“I’m fine, I just accidentally took the bandage off too fast.” Carl lied.

“Okay, just don’t do it again. That’s a lot of blood.” Ron said, he grabbed a small towel off the table and walked up to the younger boy. Ron slightly pressed the end of the towel to Carl’s cheek. He looked at Carl’s beautiful blue eye, it was a pity he had lost the other. 

Ron noticed a slight pink flush rise unto Carl’s cheeks, then he noticed how he was staring. Ron instantly felt like an asshole, Carl probably thought he was judging him.

“Carl. I wasn’t. I wouldn’t-”

“It’s fine, you should see what it looks like under the bandage, it’s even worse. I could be one of them.” He said, trying not to sound upset.

“But, Carl, you're not-”

“Carl!” Rick’s voice shouted as he slammed the door open he ran to hug his son. Michonne ran in after him holding Judith, she smiled at the sight of them hugging and she joined in. 

Ron let himself slip out of the infirmary while everyone was talking. He strolled on the street for a while after that, trying to find somewhere to go. His house is out of the question because it makes him feel even worse about himself. But, Enid has been staying alone and she barely lets Ron over. Maybe, just maybe Carl will let him stay at his house with Rick and Judith.

After three weeks of Ron moving between Carl’s and Enid’s, the three decide to go out of the walls for the first time since the huge mob of walkers that killed Ron’s family.

“Why couldn’t we just stay in one of our houses.” Enid complained.

“We’re kids, we should be doing stuff like this.” Carl said.

“Stuff that could get us killed? Yeah, not a good idea.” Ron said.

“Stop complaining. This is supposed to be fun.” Carl said, defending his ideas.

The teens continued walking to their usual place in silence. Only the sounds of their footsteps were to be heard. The three sat the themselves in front of the logs and silently read their comic books. This is definitely not fun. Ron just skimmed through the pages, not reading the words. He looked over next to him at Enid, she was intently reading her comic. On his other side, Carl was just staring off in the forest.

He thought of his mother. There were so many little things about her that he had forgotten. What color were her eyes? What did her voice sound like? Where did she put the pendant that him and his brother had given her before this all started? Was she wearing it when she died?

“Hey, Carl? When my mom….died, did you see if she was wearing a certain necklace? It’s a chain, and there’s this like, white gem on it.” Ron asked turning his head to look at him.

“Um...I’m not sure. I don’t think she was wearing it. We could check in your house if you want.” Carl offered.

“Yeah, that sounds good. I’m supposed to grab the things I want before they clear it.” Ron said, although he didn’t sound ready to go inside his house.

“You don’t have to go in, Ron.” Enid said, gently placing her hand on his arm. “We know how hard it will be to face it. Carl and I can grab what you want”

“I have to do it. I need to, Enid.” Ron said, he shook Enid’s hand off his arm and stood up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, please leave kudos and comment, i enjoy feedback, you know the saying feedback is a nice motivator

**Author's Note:**

> hi, htis is it, the best fic youll ever read, lol probs not, but please enjoy, i hate rarl


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